Accessing Your True Desire for Love
We have an instinctual willingness to connect and engage in profound relations. We have an inherent drive to bind and form attachments with others.
We look for safety, affiliation, support, love and relationship. We seek the connecting experiences of our main caregivers as kids and adolescents. As our trust in our families changes in adult life, our need to have good attachments never gets out of hand. As adults, our relationships with friends, family, colleagues and romantic partners give significance to our life. These connections are vital for our mental well-being and health. However, I often hear my individual customers finding it difficult to want a partner,As if they have something wrong with them because they have that desire.
What makes admitting you want love so difficult? Perhaps it is vulnerability, expectations and disappointment potential that come with it. It is only natural that you try to safeguard yourself from love raising your hopes if you are used to alone or struggling with dations. This could lead to your guard shutting down or up. Or you likely are going to attempt to push this urge away, if you recognize how badly you want a partner to feel too susceptible. Basically, to minimize the potential for harm and make sure you don't end up feeling let down, you may be denying yourself what you really want.
These methods of protection may not be completely conscious or intentional. Maybe you put all of your energy into your career, so you can tell yourself “I’m too busy to date or have a relationship.” Or maybe you make up excuses for not dating and buy into negative beliefs about yourself or others, such as, “there is no one good left,” “no one I like likes me back so why bother meeting other singles?” or “I am destined to end up alone.” These beliefs are incredibly powerful—they may cause you to run away from dating and avoid it altogether. If you are not mindful of your beliefs, they can easily shut you down from being emotionally available. The ways you think and feel about dating hugely impact the process. This is unavoidable and important to remember.
Here’s the thing, if you want love, you have to believe it is possible for you. This is the opposite of shutting down, making up excuses, or trying to lessen the pain of not having what you ultimately want. Admitting what you want and owning it are major aspects of being vulnerable. Connection and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. The downside of protecting yourself is that the very walls (and negative beliefs) you use for protection may actually be pushing others away or making it nearly impossible for a connection to develop. For example, if you deny yourself of your desire for a romantic partnership, you are going to be closed, even if you do agree to go on dates. You may try to play it cool, pretending you don’t want anything serious when in fact you do. You may keep potential partners at a distance to avoid heartbreak. You may be acting picky and overly-judgmental as another means of protection.
Accessing your true love desire
If you are clear about wanting a relationship, you can take guided, deliberate action. If you deny yourself of your true desire, you will make choices that may be repelling a relationship or leaving little likelihood of attaining one. It’s essential to acknowledge any discomfort attached to your true desires while staying open to love and being honest with yourself about what you want.
You can start by remembering that compassion and belonging are natural. It's all right to want love and nothing is weak or unnatural. There's nothing. It's all right to want a relationship as it's all right to actually want to be one. You should not define your relation status, and without a partner you can have an amazing life. But being really open and available for love means recognizing (if it is) that it is important for you.
Yes, it might be vulnerable and frightening, but it is a human need that is natural. If you think this is your personal defect or weakness (as many of my customers initially thought you were pathostic or desperate), you will just be feeling worse and create more unnecessary walls.
Also, it’s okay if intimacy feels terrifying. You can be ready for love and also acknowledge that the vulnerable aspect of it is uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking. You can learn to persevere through the unpleasant emotions and stay open. You can be gentle with yourself while pushing to break down any walls that are in the way. Being attuned to your internal desires for love and companionship, as well as admitting to yourself that you want a relationship with someone amazing, is the very path to attracting it.
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